Chase turns 5

My Dear Sweet Chase,

You are five years old, and to give you an idea about your life in the past year, I'm writing this birthday letter to you on August 16th, a full 3 weeks after your official birthday.  But to be fair, when you were born, I was in labor with you for 3 full days and then had the wonderful experience of a Cesarean section that I could feel the whole time.  So, my lovely wonderful son, I think you can flippin wait for just a few weeks.  I'm just sayin.  And if there is a theme for the completion of your fourth year, it has been "Hold on Chase, I need just a few moments."  This is the year that you settled into being an extra big brother.  You started school, you met God, and you grew a foot. 

So you are five.  When did that happen?  I have the sense that I was marveling at you at birth, and then something shiny went by and when I looked back at you, you were 4 feet tall.  You are so much less baby, and so much more a person.  Your very own person.  Potentially the most amazing part of being your mom is watching you grow and learning about who you are.  I was there when you kicked for the first time in my tummy, and now I'm here watching you figure out the world.  I think I stop you twice a day (at least) to tell you how much I love being your mommy.  One of my most favorite parts about you is that you receive love with a total open heart.  You stop every single time, look at me in the face and say "Thanks mommy" with such sincerity, as if it's the first time I've ever said it to you.  You just soak up love.  And then, as if that isn't just amazing, you hand it back out as if it isn't that big of a deal.  You love people so well. 

You are seriously excited to be 5.

And if ever a boy could be called a tender hearted warrior, it would be you.  You started preschool this year, and immediately you were faced with the challenge of entering a classroom where everybody already knew each other.  You made quick friends with a boy who didn't want you to play with anybody else.  You guys were attached at the hip and inseparable for over two months.  But you started to have reservations.  You wanted to play with other kids too, and he became quite possessive of you.  You sometimes would come to me and tell me that you wanted to play with other kids, but your friend wouldn't let you and you seemed honestly distressed by this.  Your daddy and I encouraged you to play with all sorts of children, but we held back and let you sort it out.  And you did, Chase.  You did it so well.  At parent-teacher conferences, your teacher Megan told me that you had stood in a group of boys in front of your friend and announced "(Insert friend's name here), my heart wants to play with everybody" as you made a sweeping motion with your arms towards the whole group.  And that day, you lost your friend.  This friend continued to struggle and eventually left the school.  You told me several times that you were sad for him, but you also were quite clear that you wanted no part in turning other friends away.  Have I mentioned that I just adore your heart? 

This was your very first day of school.

Another part of you that just blows me away is your ability to be an amazing big brother.  You have a shadow in the bodily form of Justin.  He is constantly seeking to do exactly what you do and be exactly where you are.  In the above picture, your brother grabbed a backpack and wanted to be included in your picture as he was well aware that you were having a special moment.  You and I usually share a look, wherein you silently state "Seriously mom?" and I silently reply "Dude, I know.  Just entertain him and I'll make it up to you.  Swear." And you relent, and you make sure that Justin feels included.  Even though Justin drives you nuts sometimes, you also love being brothers with him.  You can't stand the idea of not sleeping in the same room with him.  You can certainly play by yourself, but you are a social kid and clearly prefer to play with your brother. 

You boys are tight. 

You've had to deal with some physical aggression from your brother, but make no mistake.  You take it for awhile, but if he pushes you far enough, you can throw down.  That has been intriguing to watch, because you definitely have to be shoved in that direction.  Your spirit is gentle, and you resist....right up until you don't.  Then, watch out folks.

You have brought me such joy every day of your life.

Another thing I noticed about you this past year is that you became more bold.  You have been a fairly reserved kid for most of your years thus far.  You often set limits for yourself with caution.  For example, this past year you had nothing to do with water.  You told me that you were planning to get your "swimmer's license" when you turn 6.  Once or twice, your daddy and I tried to push you past your comfort level but we quickly realized that it was 100% unsuccessful and traumatizing for everyone involved.  What I did notice was that as soon as we backed off (.....alright, more like 4 months after we backed off), you started to get more confident.  You have a time frame in mind, and you are unwavering.

Now you are jumping for the sky.

Believe it or not, this was a big improvement this year.

This past year you might have noticed a lot of changes in our family.  We started going to church every Sunday.  We started to read the Bible during lunch, and we focused more on the real purpose for Christmas and Easter.  I think I might have given you whiplash this year.  Whereas the year before, we had talked a bunch about Santa and the Easter Bunny, you suddenly got a totally crazy response from your mommy who nearly had heart attacks every time these were mentioned.  But you took my sudden zeal in stride.  Not only did you tolerate the 180 degree turn from your mommy, but you soaked it up like a sponge.  You remembered stuff that I said (even stuff I said that I then forgot) and you connected stuff together that I never even told you in the first place.  You became an evangelical at your school (which initially freaked me out), you learned intricate and amazing detail about the Garden of Gethsemane, the trial and Calvary (in one day) that you spouted off with perfect accuracy at a family get together a month later, and you remind me all the time to read you the Bible.  In short, while the Holy Spirit is convicting to pursue the Lord with reckless abandon, so are you.  Any time I hesitate, there your beautiful face is, looking expectantly as if praying with you is the same as brushing your teeth or eating lunch.

I could not love you more.

Sometimes I feel so guilty for how blessed I am.  In the Bible, it often says things like "But what things were gain to me, those I counted loss for Christ" (Phil 3:7) and describes the first as last in the Kingdom of God. As your mom, I often picture myself standing in the back of the crowd with a smile.  I belong in the back.  When you have received the blessings that I have received, I will joyfully be last.  I picture myself standing in front of God with tears streaming down my eyes because I was so blessed on this planet to be your mommy that all I can do is say (if I can even speak) Thank You.  And what can you possibly ask for when you have Chase as your son? 

I think ultimately, Chase, you drive me to stand still and want nothing.  Since the day I saw your face, I couldn't remember a single thing that had been important to me.  And in the past year, as I have come to understand the full weight of the blessings I have received, I know that I should never want again. 

Happy Birthday (3 weeks ago) Chase.  I'm excited for year 5.  You break new ground every day in this house, and while you are breaking in a newbie set of parents, I know you'll be gentle. 

Love Always,

Mommy