The End of Reservations

When I first began my inquiry of God, I was motivated by fear.  I had been a total control freak and while I would never have understood what I am saying right now, I was infatuated with many idols.  The day that Justin turned blue, I would have described idolatry as something some crazy weird people did a long time ago when they thought some weird statues were magic.

The truth was that at that time, I believed in God but I figured that I could handle everything on my own.  He need not concern Himself with me, who had everything taken care of by myself.  I mean...I was Jessica Garland, after all.  (I'm not sure that this actually means anything, but it did at the time.)

Over the course of the past two years, He's relentlessly revealed idol after idol after idol in my life.  Money (a giant one for me), control (another giant one for me), my physical health (a giant one....see the pattern?), my identity, what people think of me....all these things that sort of root my belief that, if every one of these things are in place, I'm secure.  Safe.  If these things are in place, I am on solid ground.

His relentless revelations are at times, tender and at other times, a blow to the soul.  When you are infatuated with your Creator, idolatry is heartbreaking.  At some point in the last six months, I've held money in my hand and been devastated.  This is literally paper that you exchange for stuff.  That's all.  I can't believe this ever uprooted my entire life when it dissapeared.  The clarity of my infidelity to God is painful.  When the fog lifts and you see that it was all just stupid weird statues, falling to your knees seems to be a reasonable reaction.

But the sudden revelation two years ago that the foundation of my life was a fraud knocked me on my heels and I came after YHWH with a fervor.  YHWH, save my boy.  YHWH, save my marriage.  YHWH, save my life.  YHWH, take it all.  YHWH, I'm a fraud.  Make me all new.  


(Sigh.)


Graham Thudium.  I'm never going to be the same.  Because as I had the privilige of watching you as you valiantly and courageously marched towards the gates of heaven, you showed me perhaps my biggest idol yet.  Watching you soften hearts....bring grown men to tears....you revealed the goal in life.  The real one.  Not the "American Dream".  Not the white picket fences.

Not the healthy children. (Insert punch to the gut here.)

My idol is my healthy children.  I have simultaneously been grateful for the blessing and called the death of a child "a mother's worst nightmare".  And of course it is up there at the top....there's no denying that.  Please do not hear me say that the death of a child is not a total nightmare.  But perhaps, if you believe that YHWH is faithful....if you believe that He is who He says He is, and He will do what He says He will do, than my worst nightmare should be more around the fear that my children will be so healthy and so successful that they don't encounter the Living God.  My worst nightmare should be that I would blow these precious years of influence as a parent by being fatigued or selfish or caught up by fear.  (All of which I'm prone to be.)

So I'm stepping out onto a ledge.  I'm no longer focusing as a mother on pleading for the continued health of my children in prayer.  Graham Thudium's life was the definition of success in Biblical standards.  He was covered in faith, he loved deeply and he became a warrior for Jesus.  A victorious triumph over the gates of hell. We are deeply mourning the separation, but resolute in faith that the separation is temporary and will not last.

I want salvation for my children....however God would choose to accomplish that task.  My plea then becomes that He would accomplish that mission--period.  Trusting that, as the Bible says, (Romans 8:28) in all things, He works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.


I now believe that, even if nothing is in place, I remain on solid ground.  And thanks to Graham and the Thudium family, I now boldly approach the Throne of Grace with no reservations.

Upright Stones

I'm taking on a task in this post that, frankly I just don't feel qualified to do. Yet, I can't think of anything else except this post, so I've decided to put it out there and then clean the kitchen. I think that's how God would want it.

In the Bible, when something amazing happened with God, the Israelites would mark the geographical spot with a massebah (pronounced mat-zey-VAH), or standing stone. The plural term for this is masseboth (pronounced mat-zey-VOTE). There is still evidence of these standing stones in Israel.



With my seriously limited theological background, it seems that they erected these upright stones in an effort to point passers-by to the dynamic power and awesomeness of the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. Travelers who wandered by would (according to the custom of the pagan world) recognize that something significant had occurred, and ask "What happened here?" Then, the people who knew the story would give the testimony of the power of their God. The power of YHWH.



I was raised a scientist. I have spent my due time learning about the scientific method of the Western culture and "just the facts" has been ingrained into my head deeply. It got me far until the day I believed Justin was dying right in front of my eyes. Then I threw that all away and I have been on a mission into the unseen for nearly two years. And I am in love.

But.

I would be a liar if I said that I wouldn't seriously appreciate some proof.

The Oasis family had the deep and wonderful pleasure of knowing Graham Thudium, a 7 year old boy who died yesterday from a rare form of brain cancer. He was a shining light of joy, hope and unshakable faith in the midst of a scenario that, by all accounts could have robbed him of all three. He saw things simply. Life looked simple when we watched him read Heaven is for Real. And as I watched him read and saw the joy of his heart as he looked forward to playing Nintendo in heaven, I saw the true meaning of Jesus' words when he said "Permit the children to come to Me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it at all." (Luke 18:15 NASB)

Graham was a perfect example of a bar set high. He anxiously awaited the angels of heaven to arrive so that he would be healed of cancer.

And now he's healed. And running, and jumping, and hearing, and looking at Jesus. He's looking at Jesus. Face to face. Graham alone would be worthy of a massebah. He touched so many and, with his passion to see his friends in heaven, he became a tender hearted and unstoppable evangelist.

But there belongs more upright stones in this story. Chris, Louise and Sara are living masseboth. They are upright stones, walking amongst us as powerful testimonies of the power of YHWH. They are still standing. The strength of this family is....a fact.

On Christmas Eve, while driving to Washington in the dark, I sent a message to Louise telling her that I was praying for her every day. I imagined myself in her shoes, wearing a smile and breaking in half on the inside. She responded and said that her home was full of peace and they were loving their time together. I read joy in her words. In the darkness on the highway, I read the message aloud to Chris and he was quiet. I gave him a couple of minutes and then he said "I've never believed in God as much as I do in this very moment. If they have peace today, what more proof of the power of God do we need?"

YHWH has the ability to root us in a strength that makes no sense. He has the ability to build our house on the rock, when we would have built it on sand. And, in the midst of unspeakable grief, He uses His upright stones to show us that there are no limits to His miracles....His mercy.....His grace....His compassion.

Thank you Chris, Louise and Sara. For sharing Graham, and for being a testimony. You are masseboth. We love you.




P.S. See the video of "Billy" Graham Thudium reading Heaven is for Real here.

Repentance

I am not guilty of many sins that our society would deem outrageous.  I don’t drink.  I don’t steal stuff, I tell the truth too much of the time and I live a rather boring life of laundry and dishes and chasing after three children that I adore.  I spend my money on groceries.  I don’t do drugs.  I’m boring.  I haven’t killed anyone and I am at least 48% sweet, 45% sass and 7% inconsistent.  And I try to take care of people who don’t get cared for very often.  I even attend church all the time.  I don't have any felonies.  In the top 10 worst things I ever did list, #7 is when I intentionally failed a history test in 6th grade so that I would fit in with the cool (and apparently stupid) kids.  So scandalous.   

Hand me my mocha and my girl scout badges and lets move on. 


Except that in the last 36 hours, I've come to realize that I really have so much to be ashamed of.  So much. 


A 6 year old member of our church family is battling brain cancer.  My heart just breaks for this family…the kind of broken heart where you sit in a dark room and sob.  This beautiful little boy has had five brain surgeries and this is his third relapse.  All I can really think about is how unfair this is....and how undeserving this family is of this brokenness. 

And I think about the part where God changed my life in three and a half minutes as I thought Justin was dying during his absence seizure.  It took three and a half minutes of believing that I was losing my little boy before I gave up every ounce of belief that I had any contributions to offer and promptly got off of my throne.  Three and a half minutes got me to a place where I waved the white flag of surrender and begged for the Lord to take over everything I have.  Three and a half minutes.  Even now, any time I have the smallest hint of desire to follow my own impulses, the face of my baby turning blue whips me into shape in a mere moment.  Three minutes of staring at my worst nightmare, and my life changed from top to bottom. 

So I think of sweet Louise, a mom who loves her children with a heart of gold.  She is no different than me.  As I think about her experiences, I am struck by the cold hard truth that there is no reason that she is in her spot, and I am in my spot.  I have three healthy kids.  I’ve never received a glimmer of bad news with my children.  Even the moments where I thought Justin was dying resulted in a doctor looking me in the face and imploring me to believe that my baby was okay.  I’ve never wondered at the health of my kids.  I’ve never miscarried.  I’ve never wondered if I was going to miscarry.  From the moment that I heard their heartbeats to this moment that I'm sitting here typing, I've only had wonderful happy news.  And one thing that I know for sure is that I don't deserve this. 

I lived a good solid 10 years of my adult life with my back to God.  My sister recently reminded me of a time where I literally said "Why does this world have to be about God? Why can't it just be about me loving my family?" I snubbed Him and considered Him irrelevant.  I wanted Him, but only if He would do everything that I wanted Him to do.  And I'd take Him, as long as He didn't ask me to do stuff that I didn't want to do. 

But that's not the worst part. 

I understand today that the moment where I sit up from my kneeled position at the throne of God and ask for anything at all on my behalf, I've taken His blessing for granted.  Because how can I stop thanking Him for the health of my babies?  How can I complain that I don't have money for gas, or I'm not 100% sure where the grocery money is going to come from?  How do I grumble under my breath about laundry or get frustrated at how difficult it is to keep up with my housework when I'm working 30 hours a week?  How is it that I have such fleeting gratitude that I get flustered with my seizure disorder?  It's horrifying, really....to realize that the most important aspect of my life has been shielded for absolutely no reason at all, except grace. 

I think the more I understand grace, the more debilitating it becomes.  I don't mean debilitating in the sense that it's bad, but more in the sense that I can't hardly breath.  He is so good and I deserve so much less.  He shields me from so much, when I deserve total exposure. 

And it gets worse. 

Not only have I taken it all for granted, but to think that He sent His Son to die. God the Father experienced such remarkable pain in order to reconcile us to Him. 

I just didn't deserve that.  And if He struck me with lightening every time I forgot that I didn't deserve it, I'd die 1000 times a day.  My default is entitlement to everything good. 

I guess my point is this.  I have so much to repent for.  Sometimes I get all focused on the 10 commandments that I just forget the whole point.  If I would just see that He has rained blessing upon blessing onto me, I wouldn't have time to do anything except for throw everything to the ground and sob in worship.  At that point, it's probably not very difficult to not covet what others have...to not lust...to not lie, steal, curse, idolize or worship a different God.  At some point I feel like you would end up yelling "Oh Father, please don't give me anything else.  Your blessing is too rich....I can't stand anymore grace. I will be ruined."

That's where I am today.  Brokenhearted and overwhelmed with the grace.  Up until yesterday, I read the Bible and thought of the wealthy people as ridiculous.
Now I know they were talking about me.

 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ, just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we would be holy and blameless before Him. In love He predestined us to adoption as sons through Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the kind intention of His will, to the praise of the glory of His grace, which He freely bestowed on us in the Beloved. In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace which He lavished on us. -Ephesians 1: 3-8