Yoga

I had three ceserean sections in 5 years. When you say it like that, it sounds all dramatic. But I'm all about the present moment, and in the present moment, that translates into constant back pain and an unimaginably weak stomach. I'm serious. I keep trying to do situps or planks, and it's very sad.

I bet the kids in Africa would say that too. It's that sad, people.

So I got fired by PT, then I tried Chiropractic stuff and it helped a little, then I tried therapeutic massage and that helped a little, but all this to say that nothing helped enough to make it not hurt every day. And believe me, I would like nothing more than to stare Chris in the eye and joyfully announce "It's not my fault that I need a massage every week. It's your fault, because I carried all your babies." That is a win that would be the winner of all wins. But it isn't working.

Then it happened. Somebody recommended Pilates and Yoga to me. I almost laughed out loud. I might just be the least flexible human being on the planet. I touch my toes if and only if my knees are bent. In my defense though, I'm super tall. My feet are really far away. I can't be blamed for my freakishly long legs. Maybe you can touch your toes because they are way closer to your body. I'm just sayin.

The hour that I could go to the yoga/pilates mix came, and I quickly looked up the class on the internet and watched a youtube clip. I was blown away by how easy it looked. All they were doing was standing around. No joke. They stood there, counted some numbers, lifted an arm and then stopped. I can totally do that. No problem. I hope I don't embarrass all those people when I come in and look super bored by their non-existant workout. I mean, two words. College Athlete.

So I went to class and picked a spot in the very back, just in case the class was too easy and I wanted to duck out and get a real workout. The girl up front looked like I could break her in half if she got between me and a piece of pizza. And her voice was like sugar and definitely not the voice of an athletic coach. Whereas I've been yelled at much of my athletic life, she was all quietly saying "okay everybody. When you are ready, go ahead and stand up on your feet, real quietly. When you are ready. It's so nice to see all of you today."

If these people break out into song or something, I'm out of here. We are not even wearing shoes. This is not a workout.

And it begins.

Lets just say that within 15 seconds of the class starting, the voice of mockery in my head quickly changed to whining. It was an instant shift. My body was bent into all sorts of directions that are not possible. The sugary voice would tell me to have my hand on the floor with my foot as an assitant while the entire REST OF MY BODY WAS NOT TOUCHING THE FLOOR AT ALL, but rather pointed up to the sky. SERIOUSLY. And hold....for 45 seconds. During that pose, I kept thinking that if I fell and smashed my face and broke my nose, I would never ever go to the Emergency Room because I would not survive the embarrassment of explaining that to my coworkers.

And the very worst part is that when I looked around for just a HINT of validation on the faces of my fellow classmates, they looked SERENE. Tranquil even....as if they were on a beach in Hawaii and the breeze was brushing their face gently in the sunlight. Except that their legs were up in the sky and they were holding up their entire body with a few fingers and a couple toes. Unreal. I know for sure that I muttered fairly loudly in a nearly silent room "You have got to be kidding me, right?" before noting the entirely relaxed, peaceful faces of my collegues.

At one point, I was a total pretzel and the sugary voice told me to, if I could, reach back and grab my left foot with my left hand. I laughed to myself, thinking "there is no way my foot is even back there". Just for kicks though, I reached out behind me and, lo and behold, MY FOOT WAS THERE. I didn't even know my foot was there.

That is some kind of messed up situation when you don't know the exact location of your foot.

By the end, my entire body was shaking, sweat was dripping down my face and I wanted to cry for my mommy.

And this is weird, because when you go to a cardio class like spin (my go-to fave), you walk away fully knowing that you got your butt kicked, but it was like an army soldier guy that whooped your buns, so you are kinda proud and you wear your yucky disgusting sweat with pride.

This round, with the yoga people, I feel like I got my buns kicked by some tiny lady who was petting little kittens and meditating while I died of total exhaustion from doing nearly nothing, except it felt like everything.

At the very end, you are supposed to lay down on your mat while the lights turn out and.....well I'm not sure what you are supposed to do. Something like stare at the ceiling and, like the sugary voice said, "let your thoughts come and go and pass by" or whatever. So I laid there, all relaxed and thought carefully about what muscles had not been obliterated and might assist in getting me up off the floor. It took 4 minutes of "relaxing" to figure out that they were all shot and I had no strength left.

So, while the rest of the tranguil, serene people stood gracefully up off the ground, I dragged my lifeless body off the mat, and quickly left the room sans dignity, like the college athlete that I am.

I guess I'm going back though. Lack of dignity and total humiliatation comes second nature to a mommy of three under 5. I mean, honestly, it was just another hour in the life of Jessica Garland, right?

Exactly.

Darkness

I haven't blogged in a really long time.  There are a ton of reasons I could list.  Holidays...traveling....chasing the children....listening to Adie yell NO multiple times a day....working myself into a coma at night.  There is no doubt that I am swamped by life.  I am so far behind on laundry that it's not even funny. 

But the real reason is that I think the winter time is hard to swallow.  It's dark all the time, and somehow it makes me feel like I'm behind on everything.  There is something about it being dark before dinner is served that leaves me with the sense that I didn't accomplish much in those 8 hours that I had.  And when it's cold outside, I find myself dreading going outside to scrape the frost off of my car and kick myself for the 43rd time for not starting my car earlier.  So my real desire is to curl up in my warm blankets and hibernate until the sun comes back. 

I lost my coat.  Isn't that stupid?  I had a winter coat and I can't find it anywhere.  Every time I go to save money to buy a new one, I can't stand the voice in my head that relentlessly lists all the things that my children need over my coat.  As a mom, it's easier to shiver every day than it is to be warm and remember the needs of your babies.  So I'm really cold lately.  And on top of that, we keep our house cool enough that the butter doesn't even get soft on the counter.  We've saved a bunch of money by bundling up this year, but I still feel cold.  All the time.  Have I mentioned that I feel cold?  I'm cold. 

I think, if I'm being honest, that it started in Las Vegas.  I've never been to somewhere like that.  I've never seen that level of openness to depravity and greed.  I've had a rather PG rated life, so walking the strip and being handed pornography from a 40ish year old Hispanic woman really hit home.  She looked like a mother.  I look like a mother.  I recognized the worn out, stressed, tired and worried mess on her.  That's me.  I wanted to stop and say something. 

Maybe I wanted to say that I'm sorry that our world is so dark and hard...that we live in such a way that she got to this place.  I wanted to tell her that she had options, but then I realized that I wasn't so sure that she did.  I tried to make eye contact with her as she attempted to hand me the card, but she never looked up and quickly passed me by. Then I kinda got knocked back on my heels a bit.  Is this the world that I actually live in?  And shouldn't I, of all people, know this?  I mean you don't work in an ER as a mental health evaluator without seeing depravity.  But maybe I had limited it a bit....as if mental illness or drug abuse was the only darkness in this world.  But she didn't look like she fit either of those.  What gets a woman to stand on the strip and forcefully hand out porn to people walking by?  It was like my eyes were opened to a level of yuckiness and I just want to close them again.  I hated that place.  I hated it so bad that I cried and pleaded with Chris to let us go home early, no matter the cost. 
But I still can see her face. 

So in the darkness, I just sit.  I don't try to fight it anymore.  I am just waiting to figure out how God meets me here.  It's been dark before.  But before I knew God, I sort of wandered around in a frenzy.  I'm not sure how I thought that being in a frenzy made it all better, but that was my go-to mode.  Now I'm just waiting.

And isn't that what Christmas is all about?  Practicing the art of waiting....with glee and excitement, my kids wait for Christmas morning.  They find it exhilarating to wait, and the joy builds each day.  We are counting down the days until His birthday.  Counting down until He comes. 

Me: "God, You always come meet me when I'm so excited about you.  But I'm not excited about much these days and it's cold down here."
Silence.
Me: "Do you only respond to me when I'm full of joy?"
Silence.
Me: "You've left me all alone and I'm scared.  I see darkness everywhere and I miss the blindness where it all looked bright and full of promise.  I can't understand where You went.  I don't know how to find You again.... I think I wandered away and I'm not sure how to get back..."
Silence.  And then -
God: "I'm here. You never found Me because I was always here, and I came down to your darkness so that you could be warm in the light again.  Just be quiet and keep your eyes on Me.  I will fill you again.  Just wait."
 Me: "But don't you know that I don't wait well?  You should have a monopoly on knowledge about me.  I don't wait.  I never wait.  I'm a miserable disaster when I wait.  Can you do it sooner?  I think sooner is much better than later.  Why wait when you can do it now?"
Silence.
Me:  Ooooh....Nice touch.  I will wait then...since You gave me absolutely zero options. 
Silence.
Me:  I guess I'm waiting. 


And I'm waiting.  One thing I know about Him is that when He fills you up, it's a water that overflows.  I can wait for that.  I'm not a fan of waiting, but I'll wait for Him. 

Into the darkness, He comes like He promised.




Have you not known?  Have you not heard? 
The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.  He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength.  Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. 
Isaiah 40: 28-31