Eyes on Me

On the plane ride to Hawaii, Chris and I couldn't speak about anything except to continually repeat "This is beyond crazy" and "How in the world are we on this plane?"

The comparisons to our last trip to Maui were loud.  Deafening even.  This trip, Chris and I both felt the heavy presence of God, knowing intimately to the very core of ourselves that He brought us here.  I mean honestly.  If you ever want to know if God is moving, try going on an all expense paid trip to Maui with 5 dollars in your bank account, while you owe over 500 bucks to your children's preschool.  It drips of irony.  (And it's heavy in grace, but more on that later.)  At that point, there is no need for humility.  It's provided for you.

And do you know what's crazy?  (For the record, everything I'm saying sounds crazy, so I'll give you that.)

I know the answer.

I could write about this answer forever.  Maybe someday I will.  But the answer is essentially this;

He became a Savior because He loves us.  Simply, He's my Savior because He loves me.  I could have said these words a thousand times and had utterly no idea what it really meant.  After all, I said the prayer at 15 years old, so I get it, right?  Wrong. 

My brain understands this, but my heart was so very far behind.  I look at my kids and see it in them a little bit.  They know I love them, but they will never actually understand that particular love until it's tested, or until they have experienced that love themselves from a similar perspective, like as a parent.  Do they know that I would literally die for them?  No.  They know that I would make them a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and they know that I'll chase them down with a tissue to wipe their faces.  They also know I'm the lady with the kisses for owies.  Of course they have no idea.

He brought Chris and I to Hawaii so we could renew our wedding vows every single morning. 
He brought Chris and I to Hawaii so we could see that He can do it too ("it" being provide).  And not in the way where we suffer for every blessing, but in big ways.  Full of grace. 
But more than anything:
He brought Chris and I to Hawaii for the exact same reason that I take the boys to the park, for the same reason that I dream of taking the kids to Disneyland.  Our joy actually makes Him happy.  We are literally created for His joy.

That's truly crazy.  I said that to Him often. 
My prayers went a little like this:

Me: You love me? 
God: Of course.  See the sunset?  That's for you.
Me: But what about all the other people?
God:  I love them too.  But we are talking about you.
Me: There are a billion people who should be here instead of me.
God: I love you.
Me: I'm nothing.
God: Not to me.
Me: Why did I get to come here to understand this?
God: I love you.
Me: Really?
God: Read my book.  Look at my ocean.  See my flowers.  Feel the sun.  Really.
Me: (weeping.)
God: Oh, and Jess?  Just one more thing.  Now that you know this, I'm going to want more from you.  Much more.
Me: Oh. Kay.  I....am... ridiculously finite. 
God: I made you.  I love you just the way you are.  Still work to be done, but you'll do just fine.  Just stay on this rock and keep your eyes on Me. 
Me:  I can barely do that though.
God: Well I hung on a cross, so I think you can try. 
Me: Yes, I can do that.
God: Eyes on Me.
Me: Eyes on You.



Maui was simply an enormous gift from a loving Father who delights in His children.