Let me go ahead and just announce that I'm already in the toilet bowl. I made it until January 3rd at 4:30 before I was booted out of the running. This isn't even counting the fact that my son Justin just ran out of his room, announced that he pooped his pull-up that he's had on for 23 seconds, and I ignored him. Geez. A girl can not get a flippin break around here.
I locked my children in the car with the engine running. We don't have a spare key. Because apparently that's just the way it goes. Here's the story. Enjoy. (And Chris, you may commence the mockery.)
So it's Monday afternoon, and Justin has been preparing to "go pick up Chase" since the moment Chase left for school at 8am. The promise that we will go pick up Chase from school can make Justin do anything. He takes great naps, he lets me wipe his buns without much fight, and he cuddles all day long (whispering "Mom, let's go pick up Chase" the whole time). He's a completely different child on Mondays. Normally, I wouldn't much mind locking this kid in the car, but on Mondays? Heartbreaking.
So on this day, both Justin and my sweet little love Adelai are sick. Snot, fever...the full gambit. I have had my hands full all day and Adie-girl is obviously not feeling well. She slept very little, ate little, cried a lot and is generally just not feeling great. She's instantly upset that I've put her in the car seat. She dreams of being plastered to my hip 24/7 while in this state. I'm planning to drop her off at Daddy's office so that she doesn't have to hang out in her car seat too long. Because it would be torture to be sick and stuck in your car seat, for oh...I don't know...28 minutes. So as I exit the house, I'm carrying a diaper bag, a gym bag, a purse and a backpack, as well as carrying the car seat and holding Justin's hand. This sounds like a lot, but after a few years of juggling, somehow it just works.
I throw my bags up front. I situate Adelai in the car, and then I turn and work on Justin, who must be instructed in no uncertain terms that it's time to stop running in circles, jumping off the curb and squealing. Luckily, "let's go get Chase" fixes everything. He's full of glee. All smiles. All dimples. As I'm strapping him into the chair, I remember that yesterday he squirmed out of the seat straps and freaked me out on the freeway. I pull extra hard on the strap and think to myself "there is absolutely no way he's getting out of this. Winner me." I climb into the front seat, turn on the car and turn up the heater full blast because it's unbelievably cold. I'm sitting there rubbing my cold hands together when I see our cat bound out of the trees and sprint as fast as she can to the garage that is closing. She looks cold. I think to myself that I could take a second and help her out. I get out of the Expedition and shut the door. She freaks out from the sound of the car door shutting and runs back into the trees. I turn to get back in the car, and it's locked.
Who locked the door? No big deal. I'll just open Justin's door. Wait. What? It's at this moment that I realize what I've done. All doors are locked. And then, a plastered smile (for the benefit of Justin) comes out as I frantically attempt to look calm on the outside while I'm freaked on the inside. This now looks like I'm suddenly psychotic. Internal hysterics, almost giddy and joyful on the outside. I think I did some sort of dance move just to reassure Justin. Picture the moonwalk without any rhythm.
The following is my thoughts as I'm having hysterics:
I should call Chris before I use his driver club thing to bust a hole through the passenger side window. I bet that's what considerate spouses would do in this situation. I'm going Tiger Woods all over this car's
He doesn't answer. Redial.
Scanning the garage for a better weapon. He doesn't answer. Redial.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see some extra tile from the roof.
It looks heavy. It's got girth. Perfect.
He doesn't answer. Redial.
I look inside the car to see how the babies are handling it. The windows are tinted, but initially it looks like Adelai has the biggest smile on her face I've ever seen! This strikes me as strange, considering the day we've had, so I smash my psychotic face up against the glass to see more clearly. I realize that she isn't smiling so much as she is actually screaming so hard that she is having a hard time catching her breath. Justin is looking at me, pointing at the drivers side chair and saying "Mom, go get Chase! Get in the car".
Brick/roof tile thing it is. I pick up the tile thinger and walk to the car, trying to figure out a good grip. Chris finally picks up the phone. He starts by saying "Honey, I'm on the phone with a client. Can I call you right back?"
J: "Yep, just wanted to let you know that I locked the babies in the car with the keys inside, the engine running and I'm going to throw a roof tile brick thinger through the window. Call me back?"
C: "Whaaaaaaaat??? Say it again?"
J: "I locked the babies in the car, and we don't have a spare key, so I'm going to bust them out. We're going to need a new window."
C" Put the brick down, Jess.....put it down..."
J: "Adelai's upset."
C: "Have you the called the tow company yet?"
Folks? I had not even considered calling somebody for help. This is where I smile at Justin, turn my back to the car and become outwardly hysterical. "I cannot call the tow company because I have to get my baby out now and I don't have their number and I can't wait for them and I give up!!!!" Chris tells me that he will call them and call me back. He then says the two words I hate most in the whole world.
"Be patient."
My immediate response is "No, YOU BE PATIENT." Super adult-like, super mature. Super awesome.
He hangs up and I get to stare at Justin. I start doing hand motions to him, motioning all the things he should be doing to try and get out of the car seat. He smiles back, confused and points to the seat he wants me to sit in. It is about 26 degrees outside and I'm getting really cold, but I can't go inside because I suck and sucky moms stand outside.
Chris calls and notifies me that they will be here in 10 minutes...that it's considered emergent since there are children inside. I'm still hysterical, so Chris decides he'll come home. He's probably worried about his driver. He should be.
I continue to dance outside in the cold while my daughter is crying so hard that she's doing the breathing thing where she can't catch her breath. Justin is laughing, though he appears bewildered over my antics. It's safe to say he doesn't see me doing interpretive dances very often. They didn't come for 28 minutes. Then Chris took the kids because I was so tired all I could do was go to a staff meeting and sit quietly, listening about the details of how our team of mental health evaluators will help the psychotic/crazy people.
If they only knew.
Justin thought it was really cool how they opened the door, he had a huge smile on his face all the way to pickup chase.
ReplyDeleteThe kicker to the story is when I asked you window you were going to break and you were going to break the most expensive window on the car. Love you anyways :-)
Oh my. Jess. There is nothing I can say. I mean, I'm laughing of course, but to be honest I'm fighting tears (not the laughing ones) because there are times that I've been near hysterical inside but fighting to keep myself sain on the outside for the children's sake and not doing a very good job.
ReplyDeleteOh like...when I broke Emma's leg. I think the doctor's thought something was wrong with me because I wasn't hysterical. Little did they know that if I had let go to the screaming, self-loathing mother on the inside they would have had to sedate me.
You didn't need to be sedated, so you know, job well done.
I think being a mom is the hardest job for that very reason. Sure there are others...poop, vomit, night time misery, etc..., but pretending like you have emotional control so that the kids don't feel the reprocussions is so very difficult. Especially when you end up breaking their leg (I'm assuming...haven't had that pleasure yet.) Many times I feel like I can't handle it, but I just have to keep going because my ability to handle it is, ultimately, irrelevant. It's really very bizarre if you think about it. Love you, my friend.
ReplyDeleteAnd the amazing thing is . . . you never stop being a mom. It is a life sentence of being a grown up and trying to do the right thing for your children and then adult-children. It is a blessing beyond description and one I would not give up for the world.
ReplyDeleteOk lesson learned right?
ReplyDeleteTwo suggestions:
1. Buy a key lock box with code entry like this one: http://goo.gl/ZTtYB Put a copy of both car keys and a house key in it. Have Chris screw it to the side of the house or to a 4x4 post on your fence somewhere. There have been times when people needed to get into or use one of our cars and all we had to do is tell them where the box is and give them the code.
2. Buy a magnetic key holder put a copy of your car key in it and stick under your car. The magnet is super strong, and I have yet to loose one despite all the hunting/offroad/snow/mud abuse the vehicle goes through.