Why I'm Preparing for a Mental Breakdown

I never thought sacrificial love would actually happen to me...or rather from me.  I knew I would love my kids, but I also loved a bunch of stuff and I figured it wouldn't be a big deal.  I love coffee, volleyball, chocolate, ice cream, and basically anything dunked in sugar.  Oh, and I have seriously loved a cat.  In a creepy way.  That's a different story.  One that determines whether or not we'll be friends based on if you think I'm insane or not.  Let's avoid it all together. Moving on.

But now I love three little kids so much it hurts to breath sometimes.  They determine every moment of my day, every thought of my day, every goal I have.  And I'm supposed to fly to Hawaii pretty soon without any of them. 

When these kids have a runny nose, the depth of my mommy-ness imagines pneumonia/aspiration/scarlet fever/chicken pox/meningitis. Simultaneously.  I'm the mom with the pediatrician on speed dial ready to pounce on the first triage nurse that gives me grief.  I'm practicing CPR/the Heimlich maneuver (makes sense at the time) and running a zillion scenarios through my head about all the ways I'm going to discover the bizarre deadly illness they've come down with.  It's all going to be discovered because I was prepared, diligent and relentless.  (My pediatrician loves this about me...I'm sure.)

I'm going to be in a chair in a plane flying a billion miles above the ocean to a tiny island.  Thousands of miles away from my babies.  Even if the plane gently landed in the ocean in an emergency, I'd die instantaneously.  Why you ask?  Well you haven't seen me try to swim yet, have you.  I swim in an effort not to die.  It only works about 20% of the time and it usually causes my husband to almost drown because he's laughing too hard.  This is not good for my babies. 

So as the time that we depart approaches (and I'm not divulging the date to the Internet, lest you try to come to my house and steal all our super awesome crap), I can't help but imagine gruesome details of my death/gruesome death. This is a great way to become crazy very quickly. 

So back to sacrificial love....seems remarkably unrelated.  However, my point is really just that being a wife and a mother at the same time means that everybody gets a piece of sacrificial love.  These kids get 150% of me every hour of every day.  I guess I can relent for a few days to relax with my husband.  I think the shock might kill me. 

If it does kill me, would everybody please promise the following?

• Don't tell my kids how scared I was of water.  This will prove something to Chase that he'll never forget.  He'll be the kid dressed in head to toe sunscreen with a helmet on, etc.  Not good.
• Also, please tell the boys that they will never EVER get a wife if they continue to wet the bed every single night.
• Please tell Adelai that boys are stupid until she is 22 and she should never speak to a single one until that date.  And also, if she wants to be a nun, please support this whole heartedly.
• Justin really needs to know that jail = bad, and being called "rude" is not a compliment.  (They're working on that at preschool.  He doesn't get it yet.)
• Also, the boys need to know that girls don't have boy parts.  I'm struggling with this.  Good luck.
• The boys have been told that they can't drink soda until they are 30.  Justin may not drive a motorcycle until he's 35.   
• Justin needs a car with 2 cylinders.  Preferably a car that barely moves.  Chase needs a car that is a tank so he doesn't get scared all the time.
• Have I mentioned that Adelai is not allowed to date?  She should be 30.  I know I said 22 earlier, but that was rediculous.  She should pay back all her student loans and complete nun school before she dates.  
• Don't flip Chase around.  He does NOT like that. 
• Adelai may not date any boys ever until she is a hundred years old.  Seriously. 
• Let Chase speak until he's finished.  He has much to say and the end part is usually the best. 
• Be patient with Justin.  If you wait a few minutes, he ends up being the sweetest boy ever.
• Adelai is so sweet.  She should not date.  Ever. 

Oh my gosh, how I love them. 

And most of all, if I die, make sure they know it was all Chris' idea.  I wanted to stay locked up in the house, cuddling all of them with a death grip until I died of exhaustion.  Chris is the one that is laying down the law.  I guess he might be right.  Don't tell him I said that though. 

I'm having hysterics.