Toughness

There are many words to describe my oldest boy.  Recently I've added some things like "limit-tester" and the like, but a few descriptors have remained constant the past few years. 

Here is a tentative list:

• Cautious
• Aware of all things that might go wrong
• self parent
• comfortable with both feet on the ground at all times
• easygoing in all things, except when he feels like his life is in danger..which is always.  Actually, let's not be dramatic. It's only, like 98% of the time.

The best way to describe Chase's disposition is probably by example.

Example #1: At family camp last year, we camped by a lake.  The boys were both in horrifying bathing suits....(in my defense, the picture on the swimsuit did not reveal that each child's...ahem...genitalia (?) ...would be outlined like spandex....except for worse than that.  Is there a worse than that? See below. I think you'll agree that yes...this is so much worse.)


You may take a few moments to collect yourself.

So how close did Chase, given the safest swimsuit of all time, come to swimming in the lake? (Which, by the way, was boxed out by the dock for children?)


This close.  And no closer.

Occasionally he would get into this blow up boat, or maybe a floater.  But NEVER when the water went above his knees.  (The boat was even worse....when it started to leave the sand and actually float, he nearly had a panic attack.) We were there for 2 days, and he never advanced further than his knee.  He even knelt down in the water to try and get his floater to touch the water "like the other kids".  But dare-devil, he is not.

He would be the perfect insurance auditor. 

Example #2 is simply that, whenever offered something that makes him nervous (bikes, scooters, really anything where his body is not 100% in his own control) he will tell people "I'm going to do that when I'm 5.  When I'm 5, I'll be ready."  Who needs to parent that kid?  Can you see why we were wholly unprepared for Justin, who at Family Camp, ran at a dead sprint on the deck towards the lake with full intent to jump in the water? 

Parenting Goal #145 for Chase:  Encourage him to realize life isn't scary.
Parenting Goal #1 for Justin:  Encourage him to realize that he should at least be somewhat scared of life, since he's going to break copious amounts of bones. 

So, all this to say that I had the most heartbreaking conversation with Chase last night.  He climbed up on my lap and with big solemn blue eyes,  began to tell me that his friend at school "is tougher than me". 

"Why do you think that, honey?" I asked.
"Well, (insert bully name here) yells at me and calls me bad names, and then (insert tough kid's name here) yells back at him and hits him in the head.  I never do that." he replied. 

He looked so sad.  Here is this moment.   As his mom, it's evident that part of the heart of Chase puts him out in the world wherein his giant heart and careful manner are both occasionally going to be viewed as weakness.  He's kind of right on that.  And he's perceived it which, in retrospect, shouldn't be shocking.

So I said "Chase, the real tough people in this world are the ones who have hurt feelings, but don't hurt back.  That's being tough.  That's real toughness.  And you're the toughest guy I know."
And then Chris the man added "and also they get hurt and don't cry."
(Child therapist Jessica and Man Chris then shared a glance wherein I gave him a piece of my mind and he informed me that I was turning his boy into a wussy girl.)

Then Chase looked at me and said in a very quiet tone, "Mommy?  Am I tougher than Justin?"
This completely broke my heart. 
And all I could say was "I love exactly how tough you are."  I'm crossing my fingers that this was enough. 

I just love this boy.  My hope is that you can teach toughness, but I know for sure you can't teach what Chase has.  He's full of empathy, brilliant, affectionate and he'll change this world. 

Nope, you can't teach that.