Three Babies and a Man

I think I've tried to explain what it is like to stay home for an entire day with three children, all under the age of five, but ultimately it's just not possible. 

Simply put, being at home is harder than working in the ER and assessing psychotic and suicidal people.  Even if those people are screaming at me, incontinent and stinky, that job is still easier than staying at home with my children.  Because guess what?  At least I can lock them in a room and walk away.  At home, those same screaming, incontinent and stinky people are not allowed to be locked away.

At least that's what I've been told. 

I love my kids, but fact is fact.  And I do believe that Chris has never questioned that statement, but in the past two weeks he's had the punishment opportunity to stay at home with them twice while I've picked up a couple extra shifts at the hospital. 

Now to be clear, even though I know that staying at home is excruciating, I hate being away from them.  Two days a week of work is a good break for me, three days a week and I'm pushing it, and four days a week my heart just aches.  I still like my job, but I'm anxious to get home and kiss their faces.  Obviously, four days a week away from my babies drives me into a state of psychosis. 

So today was day #2 of Chris staying home with the children while I took an extra shift at the hospital.  I was at work by 8:00, and by 10:00 I was aching to hug my baby.  I called Chris and he begrudgingly agreed to bring the kids to the hospital for an early lunch so I could see them.  Again, clearly I was psychotic.  Sane Jess would see the complete disaster coming without any problems.  But crazy Jess who misses her babies?  It smacked that girl square in the face. 

The first clue that this was going to go badly for me was provided to me immediately when I came out of the door to meet them.  The first thing I saw was Adelai in her pajamas.  At 11:00.  In the morning.  Then I saw Justin wearing shorty shorts and a t-shirt that can best be described as a mid-drift.  And his shoes were on the wrong feet (which is actually true 90% of the time).  And also his face was totally dirty, as if he had smashed chocolate onto his face about 3 days ago, and nobody loved him enough to clean him up.  Then my eyes were drawn to Chase, who was wearing his signature look with one knee high sock and one ankle sock with shoes that were meant to be without any socks at all.  And he was wearing a shirt that had his name tag on it from school. He was the worst, because he looked like somebody thought that was okay.  Justin and Adelai just looked neglected.

The second clue occurred when we entered the cafeteria and the boys screamed at the top of their lungs and ran past a few elderly people to see the fish tank.  Like I said, Sane Jess would have turned right around and called it a day because the writing was on the wall, so to speak.  But I missed them, so I powered through.  We all sat at a table....or Chris and I sat at a table.  The kids actually ran up and down the dining room screaming and racing each other.  No matter what we said, they were spinning and yelling and incapable of even hearing our corrections because, well, they couldn't hear our voices over the low roar of their own chaos. 

And hey, guess what?  You can't go all psycho on your kids when you are at work.  I forgot all about that when I invited them, but as I was sitting there wondering if I could quietly stand up and walk away as if they were complete strangers, I remembered.  Boy, did I remember.

I forgot to mention Chris.  He looked like he had run a marathon and stayed up for 24 hours.  In short, he looked totally defeated.  I recognized defeat, because I always feel like that.  Outnumbered, tired and hopeless in the face of two boys and a toddler who have energy to spare.  So I didn't wander away, but we did wrap up the lunch very quickly.  And by very quickly, I mean that I suddenly grabbed all their crap, threw it in the garbage and rushed them out the door. 

They behaved for 39 seconds, so once again, I lost my brain and invited the kids to see a waterfall on campus on the way back to the car.  As we were walking to the water feature, a bird flew by to the roof above and the boys yelled "I'm going to scare that bird away!"
And Chris said, ever so quietly, "I hope that bird poops on them." 

Because that just sums up everything about being home with the children. 

So they ran to the water feature, and immediately Justin was climbing into the water and trying to jump off the rocks as I stood next to the sign that explicitly said every single action he was doing was not allowed.  And at one point, as he was preparing to jump off of a bridge-like thing into a rock filled ravine, I decided that I should probably begin to stop him.  So I ran towards him and he immediately flopped his body (with his shorty shorts, mind you) onto the cement and screamed. 

In front of the people. 

So I stood next to him and said in my nicest mommy's-boss-could-come-by-at-any-moment-so-get-your-butt-off-the-ground voice "Justin, I have to go back to work so it's time to go to the car with daddy."  And then a physician walked by and said "It doesn't sound like he agrees with that". 

My face turned florescent red, and I shoved the kid into Chris' arms and said good-bye.  I then returned to the haven that is the psychiatric patients. 

So the children went home, and at some point they dressed in bizarre (and largely inappropriate) clothes, as evidenced by this picture that Chris sent me that afternoon:



Chase just saw this pic and said "See? That costume was too short." (it's an 12-18 month costume)

He also informed me that Justin had picked up a yellow racer snake and was bit on the hand. 

Naturally.

I came home to Adelai wearing her clothes completely backwards, as if that was normal.  Chris seemed surprised and said "they're backwards?  I didn't even notice." 

And finally, as I came into the house, Justin yelled "Mom! Come see the rat in our backyard! And the snake!"  I never saw the snake, but I did see the dead mouse which I insisted Chris remove.  Justin then broke down in tears because the dead mouse was thrown away. 

For a moment, I almost felt sorry for Chris because I know they abused him all day long.  But then I remembered that Chris was able to return to work tomorrow, and I will once again return to my position as victim primary care giver. 

Clearly God chose me to be the mommy because even though they act just as crazy under my care, at least they are dressed like normal people when they are bit by snakes or throw public tantrums. 

I do have standards.